Episode No. 17
Where to listen:
What Inspired this Episode:
When I wrote this blog post I was trying to incorporate themes within my content creation. What I chose to focus on in February was relationships. While the tips in the podcast episode include a good starting point for when you want to start having a better self-relationship (especially when you are coming from a place of self-hatred/ self-indifference), the bonus content at the end of this episode what transforms your self-relationship when you already have a neutral or positive relationship with yourself.
Questions I wanted to explore:
How can I stop being my own worst enemy?
What are effective ways to practice self-love?
How do I overcome negative self-talk?
What are the best strategies for building self-confidence?
How can I improve my self-image without external validation?
What are practical steps to increase self-awareness?
How do I forgive myself for past mistakes?
What are the key components of a healthy relationship with oneself?
How can I develop self-compassion?
What are effective techniques for self-acceptance?
How do I balance self-improvement with self-acceptance?
What are ways to identify and challenge limiting beliefs about myself?
How can I stop comparing myself to others?
What are the benefits of improving my relationship with myself?
How do I set healthy boundaries for self-care?
What are strategies for dealing with imposter syndrome?
How can I cultivate a growth mindset for personal development?
What are effective ways to practice self-reflection?
How do I overcome self-doubt and build self-trust?
What are techniques for developing emotional intelligence?
How can I improve my self-esteem without becoming narcissistic?
What are ways to practice self-compassion during difficult times?
How do I stop seeking constant external validation?
What are methods for developing a positive self-image?
How can I learn to be patient with my personal growth journey?
Episode Description:
The theme of the week is Relationship with self. Do you ever feel like the only thing that's holding you back is you? That you would have the life of your dreams if only you could just get yourself onboard? To be on a self-love journey is difficult because when you are coming from a place of viewing yourself as the problem, the enemy, the reason you cannot succeed, it places you in this limbo of moving forward, falling back and the cycle repeats. Lay discusses how to break that cycle with tips that will change your perspective so you will no longer get in your way.
Stay tuned and please read the highlights to get a more direct version of what I am explaining.
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Music by Remil - Evening Tea - https://thmatc.co/?l=DFECB5D4
Section | Timestamp | Notes |
Introduction | 00:00 | -All content related to relationship with self -Conversations about comparison |
Understand that your insecurities and the things you view as negative about yourself never come from you | 01:30 | -negative self-concept comes from others -Influence of stereotypes on self-perception -Effects of criticism -Insecurities over identity traits -Marslows Hierachy of needs -The creation of social status -Need to belong to a group |
Even when you want to change things about yourself, you don’t need to hate the past versions of you | 10:17 | -The changes you make out of hating yourself will not be sustainable - Outgrowing versions of yourself -Ven diagram exercise to try (see below) -Finding the good in you |
If self-love is too hard, aim for self-neutrality | 15:59 | -The struggle to practice self-love -Make peace with yourself -Baby steps to self-love -Focus on the parts you already appreciate |
Become more self-aware of your thought patterns and language | 20:48 | -Careful what you say to yourself -Try a SWOT analysis on yourself -Acknowledging your toxic traits |
Practice Forgiveness, compassion, and patience | 23:56 | -The struggle for patience -This is probably the most important practice to stop being your worst enemy |
Card Pull | 25:19 | -Selfcare oracle deck |
What I'm grateful for | 28:18 | -The books I have |
BONUS CONTENT:
How to improve your relationship with yourself
A huge aspect of our mental and emotional health is our relationship with ourselves. This year, I learned many lessons and had many revelations that changed my relationship with myself. Self-care and self-love are some of the most talked-about aspects of this relationship, but I want to expand your perspective .
These tips are not just about self-care routines or positive affirmations, but about developing a deeper understanding of yourself and fostering a more authentic relationship with who you are and who you're becoming. They're based on real experiences and revelations that have significantly impacted my personal growth journey.
By sharing these insights, I hope to offer a fresh perspective on self-relationship that goes beyond surface-level practices. These are lessons that have helped me navigate the complexities of self-discovery, acceptance, and growth in a way that feels genuine and sustainable.
Observe your thought patterns without judgment
I wanted to start with this one because your mindset (regarding any topic) influences your approach to conflicts/problems, your behavior, your emotions, etc. I had so many thoughts this year centered around my life, and it is common in your 20s to feel that level of uncertainty.
My thought patterns revealed that I was going down a spiral. When I was graduating from high school, I started to see a path for my life ahead: I would go to school for 4 years, get a job as a fashion journalist, by 23 be moved in with my current boyfriend at the time (maybe engaged by 25), get married by 26/27 and start our family after that.
When I made changes in my college curriculum, of course, the career aspect changed, but everything else was essentially the same. But then the reality of post-graduation hit me hard: I had a job that had nothing to do with what I went to school for, my boyfriend of 4 years (5 if you count the exclusively dating phase before we became a couple) moved away and we broke up, my health issues got worse, and my lack of confidence because of how I was feeling and looking held me back from really participating in life.
My thought patterns leaned heavily towards the negative for a long period because my perception of myself and my life was shattered. Being an observer of my mind without judging myself allowed me to take more practical steps.
Stop denying your wants and desires due to your fear of how you would be perceived
There are so many ways the world tries to convince us we are not enough. That is why when movements started to help people accept themselves, it was something magical for me as someone who was bullied frequently and always was terrified to have people close to me because I was always skeptical of who would actually accept me.
After 2021, I was battling between the beliefs I inherited over the years and my own feelings of change. Like most people, the combination of the change of structure, the more reliance on the instant more convenient ways of accessing food, along with relationship interactions that raised my cortisol levels, hormone changes, and just the overall stress of college life constantly readjusting. I gained weight. When leaving high school, I was between 125 lbs to 128 lbs. By the end of 2021, I was 155 lbs, and it kept getting higher until I hit 170 lbs (to be exact, the day I had my yearly physical - I weighed myself before going and the scale said 170.8 lbs. At the doctor's, they said it was approximately 178.4 lbs, but they rounded it down to 174 because of the consideration of clothes and layers on a cold November day) about 6 months into my post-graduate journey.
I know many people may scoff at me including the metrics because weight is not the only determinant of your health, and of course, that is true, but it is essential to this story. The average weight of American women over 20 years old is 170.8 pounds (lbs) according to the CDC in 2024. Although I should specify these metrics are skewed because it also says the average height of women is 63.5in, aka 5ft 4in, and that average isn't specified to ethnicity. Research has shown that black women in America over 20 years of age have an average of 186-187 lbs and are at the same average height.
I am below average height by being about 5 ft-ish (I can already hear my friends saying how I'm definitely shorter than that, but unless we pull out measuring tape when we hang out, I'm 5 ft - truth until proven otherwise). Jokes aside, I've been on both ends of the spectrum where being at my skinniest (ranging between 102-110lbs) wasn't natural because I was under-consuming food, and at my heaviest, I was over-consuming out of fear and stress. I'll get more into things that cause an unhealthy relationship with food. As a short person, that weight gain was just as unhealthy as my restricted eating because of all the extra physical constraints I was having and how it was affecting my behavior.
However, I was always afraid to admit I wanted to lose weight. It took me being radically honest with myself to really make a substantial change in my life because I always danced around the subject. I may have referred to it as a health journey - even though yes, a lot of mental and emotional health practices were included in this process, but I was afraid to call it for what it was due to the accusations people get for wanting to lose weight. Often when people want to do something like lose weight, they get vilified and get called fat-phobic. There are people who treat people badly solely because of the person's attributes (race, weight, gender, sexuality, etc.), but a person's personal journey shouldn't be seen as a personal attack.
This is also partially the fault of media where we developed a sense of entitlement to other people's content. For instance, when that person shared the recipe for bean soup and you had people in comments asking "what if I don't like beans". The answer is quite simple: consider if you just don't like beans, there are plenty of soup and chowder recipes that have things to your liking. In terms of weight loss, just because a person decides to do that, it isn't an attack on a person who doesn't want to do that. Feelings get hurt when we create these emotional connections to things that could change, not just in ourselves but in other people.
For a person who is fat to see a before and after, it may feel like rejection and comparison because they see themselves in the before. However, unless the person is downright trashing their larger bodies (and saying they felt discomfort and talking about the negative side of that experience isn't trashing), the accomplishment may not lie in the outcome, but in the commitment it took along the way.
While I'm still about 4-5lbs from my goal weight, what I feel most accomplished about is my ability to stick with this choice and how I sustained this choice for so long even with the tribulations that instead of going "why bother with this", I asked "how can I make this work". I am proud of my progress and I've been afraid to talk about it. It is still on the lines of taboo, but I have accepted you can accept yourself without stagnating your own growth because some individuals can't see that change is also accepting and self-loving.
While I accept where I'm at, I know that this is not all I'm capable of being/doing. Weight aside, that is how I feel about other areas of life. The verdict: As long as someone is doing something in a sustainable/honest/safe way, they shouldn't have to tiptoe around their wants and desires just out of fear of being vilified. We don't take it personally when a financially unstable person wants to create stability, when a person wants to further their education instead of jumping straight into the workforce, and if someone wants to do something healthy for their bodies (and this isn't just about losing weight, but when people need to gain weight for their health because they are underweight/having problems functioning because of their low body weight), that is their choice and it is not an attack when it differs from our choice.
Sources:
Learn what approach creates an atmosphere of respect, love, and care for your current self while nurturing the growth of your future self
This point is a continuation of the last one about how if you desire things, you need to hold space for your current and future self.
I read a book last year called "Good Vibes, Good Life". Something that deeply resonated with me is a quote he used: "Self-love is the balance between accepting yourself as you are while knowing you deserve better and working towards it".
I admire that definition because, for years, self-love in the media has been more coddling than authentic love for the self. While it is important to create a safe space for yourself, to be able to soothe yourself and create comfort in a world that isn't designed for that... real self-loving behavior still requires you to challenge yourself. Self-love without self-respect for who you know you are capable of growing into is self-destructive. There is no final form of us until there is no more life left within us. So forcing yourself to stay stagnant because you are afraid of trying due to the possibility (not guarantee) of failure is just as bad as pursuing self-growth/self-improvement from a place of rage, rejection, and resentment.
We all have different starting points, so what we need to start with to bring things into balance will vary from person to person.
Remember this key for when you are checking in with yourself and looking for what you need to put more into practice at that point in time:
Self-acceptance: for when we need to stop seeking external validation
Self-improvement: for when we see our capabilities because we recognize our self-worth to know we deserve better
Self-respect: for when we trust that our choices and decisions, from the standards we hold for ourselves to the boundaries we create for things external to us, are worth it because we value ourselves (present and future)
Overall, I had an epiphany of why these things can coexist even when on a surface level they seem to be opposing by definition.
Change is neutral; what makes it positive or negative is your mindset surrounding change. If you equate change to only happening when something is wrong or to something needing fixing, of course, it's going to feel self-hating or like a betrayal to your present. When desiring a change in your life, it is not meant to be recognized as anything but being different.
Have an aim but don't overly attach to it being the only outcome
The image above is something I found on Pinterest. I fact-checked everything before I decided to use it as a reference for this point. One thing I did miss before I decided to switch to a beauty-focused major is the way we looked at a variety of businesses to talk about their origin stories, how they communicate to consumers, and the psychological influences infused within their practices. (In my courses, we still reviewed case studies, but it wasn't as diverse due to it only focusing on the beauty industry and the different categories within it).
That being said, I want this picture to be an example of how the aim can greatly differ from the outcome. By aim, I essentially mean the point of origin like a goal or an idea.
When we set goals, we tend to box ourselves up to them. We tend to have a one-track mindset - "the outcome has to be this way or this was a fail". However, when you reprogram your brain to believe that even if something didn't turn out the way you wanted, it could be progress for something potentially better.
Something I always said about other people is that they only know what they know, so not to take ignorance or bad behavior too personally. Even with that thought, I never looked at how it can be applied to oneself. Sometimes we limit ourselves by attaching the outcome to our aim due to our need for control, which often stems from the desire for predictability.
For instance, a person's aim can be to become a doctor, and maybe they had their mind set on being a neurologist, that is until they went to medical school. Maybe actually being open to the field made them realize there are so many other options where their talents and skills can be applied.
A wise person would take that curiosity and interest as a sign to explore, but a stubborn person will ignore those signals out of ego and wanting to preserve what they felt was true about themselves, which in the long run makes a path of misery, regret, and resentment.
Be wise and explore because you owe it to yourself to find what brings you peace and contentment.
Effort within yourself will always strengthen your view of yourself and raise your standards
At a glance, a person may think I'm talking about looks (which I still find important for creating an atmosphere for yourself so you can show up for who you are becoming and your brain can recognize it as growth, especially if you are someone who looks for signs of change happening), but what I am actually referring to is the act of trying.
Whenever people advised faking it until we make it, it always felt disconnected. Like no matter how I tried to, it always drained my energy so much faster and created this dysmorphia about myself. I realized it was because of my beliefs around honesty and the whole “faking it until you made it” felt like a lie and fueled my imposter syndrome. I know it is telling you to pretend to have confidence because no one can tell if it is real, but the problem is I could tell within myself. I would have these thoughts in my brain like “how long do I have to keep this persona going” and “if I stop will I lose everything I gained”. So that sent me down a rabbit hole: if faking confidence creates all these negative emotions and consistent low moods (which repels everything I desire), then what builds confidence authentically in me?
The answer consisted of an effort to change by educating myself, trying new things even if it is something out of normal for me, and accepting missteps as trial and error instead of viewing it as a personal flaw within myself.
I believe simply focusing on my actions helped me because it allowed me to build skills (which creates confidence in itself) without falling out of alignment with my authenticity. The concept of “Faking it until you make it” doesn’t help when you value honesty and want to step away from the need for outside validation. Faking it insinuates a lack of trust in myself and making it should be determined by my vision of success, not when other people recognize what I already see within myself.
Start Your Self-Relationship Revolution
Throughout this exploration of self-relationship, we've delved into various aspects of personal growth, from radical honesty about our goals to the importance of effort in building authentic confidence. These insights offer a pathway to a deeper, more genuine connection with ourselves.
Remember, the journey of self-discovery is ongoing and unique to each individual. It's about finding balance between acceptance and growth, between honoring your current self and nurturing your future self. This process isn't always easy, but it's incredibly rewarding.
What you could do now
Reflect on your current relationship with yourself. Identify areas where you can practice more self-acceptance and areas where you want to grow.
Set an intention for personal growth that aligns with your authentic self. Remember, it's okay if the outcome differs from your initial aim.
Take one small, concrete step towards improving your self-relationship today. This could be trying something new, educating yourself on a topic of interest, or simply taking a moment for self-reflection.
Share your journey with others. By opening up about your experiences, you not only reinforce your own growth but also inspire those around you.
Remember, the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. Nurture it with care, honesty, and compassion. Your future self will thank you for the effort you put in today.
I hope you enjoyed this post and found it interesting. Also if you like my content it would mean the world to me if you would also subscribe to my YouTube channel, my Pinterest, and my TikTok account. On YouTube, I have the most inspirational content from Lifestyle Design posts to Digital "open when..." letters to boost your moods. I also keep a copy of my podcast episodes (which is also available on Spotify). I decided that I am honoring what feels right to me and continuously working on building the life of my dreams and helping others do the same. Don’t forget to share this if you feel inspired and I will have more content for you soon.
Until next time butterflies 🦋
Xoxo,
Lay 💋
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