Episode No. 7
Where to listen:
What Inspired this Episode:
I was inspired to write about self-sabotage after a journaling session. When I wrote this, it was November 30th, and that was the month I decided how I wanted to commit to myself by improving my health and taking a chance on my dreams. I realized in the past had a lot of self-sabotaging tendencies and I wanted to share what I observed .
Questions I wanted to explore:
How does fear lead to self-sabotage?
What are some fear-based thinking patterns?
How can I cope with fear and uncertainty in my twenties?
How does negative bias contribute to self-sabotage?
What is the cycle of self-sabotage and how can I break it?
How can reading self-help books help me navigate my twenties?
What books are recommended for my twenties?
How does fear manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors?
What strategies can help to deal with fear and uncertainty?
What are some common thinking errors that occur during fear-based thinking?
How does our brain's negative bias affect our thinking and behavior?
How can understanding and addressing fear-based thinking help reduce self-sabotage?
What are some effective mindfulness practices to manage fear and uncertainty?
How can positive affirmations help to combat negative thinking patterns?
Why is it important to seek support when dealing with fear and self-sabotage?
How can limiting media consumption help manage feelings of fear and uncertainty?
How does setting goals and planning reduce feelings of uncertainty?
How can acceptance of uncertainty lead to growth?
How can self-care practices improve overall well-being and help manage anxiety?
How does the cycle of self-sabotage perpetuate fear and uncertainty?
What are some strategies for breaking the cycle of self-sabotage?
How can negative outcomes be viewed as learning opportunities?
Episode Description:
In this insightful podcast episode, we delve into the fascinating topic of self-sabotage and explore the different ways we unknowingly hinder our own progress. Join us as we navigate through the treacherous waters of fear, where we uncover how it can hold us back from pursuing our dreams. Discover the intriguing phenomenon of associating the things we desire with traits that are in direct opposition to our own identities, and how this internal conflict can sabotage our growth. We also dive into the common habit of making excuses for the goals we profess to want, and how it ultimately prevents us from achieving them. Explore the detrimental effects of adopting an all-or-nothing mindset, and how it limits our potential for success. Lastly, we examine the destructive nature of comparison and the negative impact it can have on our self-esteem and motivation. Tune in to this thought-provoking episode and gain valuable insights on overcoming these self-sabotaging behaviors.
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Music by Remil - Evening Tea - https://thmatc.co/?l=DFECB5D4
Section | Timestamp | Notes |
Introduction + Card Pull | 00:00 | -Fall vibes; Comfort and cozy
-Did some journaling
-Moonolgy deck
- Card Pull: Look at the bigger picture (Full moon in Saggitarius)
|
Fear | 03:18 | -Fear of being seen /Fear of judgment
-Limiting beliefs
-Low self-worth
-Struggling to have confidence
|
Associating the things you want with traits you don't associate yourself with | 05:08 | -Ex: Seeing content creators as outgoing, personable, and sociable while seeing myself as quiet, introverted, and soft-spoke -Beauty standards |
Making excuses for things WITHIN your control | 07:55 | -Example: Job searching
-Not in your control who hires you but there are still things you can do even when the job market is not pleasant
|
All or Nothing mindset | 09:42 | -Not appreciating what you have at the moment -Need to appreciate the process -The meaning of Stagnancy |
Lowering the importance of your goal | 11:14 | -Time Management -Being reliable to everyone but yourself -Needing to prioritize the things important to you |
Comparison | 13:43 | -Want the feeling that the person gets from what they have -Example: Pick mes -Honor your sense of self |
Conclusion | 15:12 | -That was all -Journal prompt: Take a moment to think of your blockages, think about your fears, think about your excuses, and think about comparison you have made or had comparisons made about you - Identify your sense of self |
BONUS CONTENT: Coping with Fear
As a twenty-something, stepping out into the world of adulthood often feels like navigating uncharted territory. With the pressure to make critical life decisions, we may find ourselves grappling with the fear of uncertainty, leading us to self-sabotage. As I write this post, I've started a new book called “The Twentysomething Treatment” by Meg Jay. Meg Jay is also the author of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now”, which is one of my favorite self-help/wellness books. I turn to her books whenever I am feeling lost, overwhelmed, and scared.
I read "The Defining Decade" during my 6th semester of college and it helped me put things into perspective and motivated me to look at different aspects of my life. Now, a year into my post-grad journey, I am on chapter 6 of "The Twentysomething Treatment". One thing that has stuck out for me so far is how she speaks about uncertainty. Uncertainty, particularly the kind that comes with being a young adult, can often lead to self-sabotaging behaviors.
This is a time of life filled with changes and decisions, from career choices to personal relationships, and the resulting ambiguity can be overwhelming. For some students, like myself, transitioning from a guided school structure to the uncertain post-graduation journey has been challenging. With things like trying to find a job and constantly not hearing back and wondering if I just don’t have enough experience and wondering how to even get an entry-level position. Wondering what can I do in meanwhile while I am still searching. Worrying about my mom getting older and feeling incompetent because I have no source of income to help her out more and I am trying so hard to be someone else- someone more extroverted and sociable and still feeling a high sense of anxiety because connecting on professional. Feeling nervous about trying to do what I can while I persist on in adulthood and feeling so incredibly selfish because I’m in crisis but so is the world and feeling incredibly drained in the process. Everything feels so uncertain and the only thing that anchors me in the process is focusing on the things within my control (my actions, my mindset, and my research).
This is possibly something more people than I think can relate to. However, in the face of such uncertainty, it's not uncommon to resort to self-sabotage as a form of control. Fear is the key quality of self-sabotage. Even with the other points mentioned in the podcast episode, fear is still at the root of each one. Fear is an emotion often seen in a negative light, but it's part of our survival instincts.
Through the book, I learned a lot about fear-based thinking and negative bias, a psychological phenomenon where individuals give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones. This is because our brains are wired to react more strongly to negative stimuli, a survival mechanism developed in our ancestors to avoid danger and harm. Fear plays a significant role in the negative bias because it acts as a survival mechanism that draws our attention to potential threats and negative outcomes. While beneficial in situations of actual danger, this bias towards negativity can lead to a disproportionate focus on negative events in everyday life. This can result in fear-based thinking patterns, like catastrophizing, overgeneralization, black-and-white thinking, and personalization, which can contribute to self-sabotage.
Here are the examples of thinking errors that occur during fear-based thinking:
Catastrophizing: This is when we assume the worst possible outcome will happen. Fear can make us overestimate the likelihood of negative outcomes and underestimate our ability to cope with them.
Overgeneralization: Here, we take one negative event and generalize it to all areas of our life. This can lead to self-sabotage as we may start to believe that we're bound to fail in all our endeavors because of one setback.
Black-and-white thinking: This is when we see things in extremes - if it's not perfect, it's a disaster (a perfectionist/all-or-nothing perspective). This can lead to fear of making mistakes and ultimately, self-sabotage.
Personalization: We blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, even when it's not within our control or related to us. This can result in feeling undeserving of success, leading to self-sabotage.
Magnifying: Involves focusing on mistakes, flaws, and negatives by talking or thinking about them frequently. It can lead to a distorted view of reality, where minor setbacks or imperfections are blown out of proportion and seen as catastrophic failures. This can induce feelings of anxiety and self-doubt, hindering progress and leading to self-sabotage.
Filtering: Involves ignoring the positive aspects of a situation and only noticing the negative. This can create a skewed perception where one believes that nothing good ever happens, leading to feelings of hopelessness and despair. By constantly dwelling on the negatives, one might miss out on opportunities for growth and improvement, thus encouraging self-sabotage behaviors.
Our ancestors had to be constantly on the lookout for threats to survive, so their brains evolved to focus on the negative as a defense mechanism. Today, even though we no longer face the same level of physical threat, our brains still hold onto this bias. I do believe with the way our society is set up (a very urgent culture) it is no wonder our brains still respond as if there is a physical threat.
Overall, I am excited to continue the book because fear and uncertainty are things that are so common but rarely talked about. With people only showing the highlights of their lives online, sometimes it feels like you are the only person who feels this panicked and uncertain about life. I hope someday there can be normalization around the feelings of not knowing how to execute even if you know what you want and giving yourself grace through the uncertainty. If we were able to give ourselves more grace, maybe our tendency to self-sabotage will lower.
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